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Saturday Night:
About 3.42am:
The Lair of the Antediluvian of the Gangrel:
The Scene:
A large Egyptian Pyramid; we are inside. It is a massive area, covered in dust; ancient tombs surround the walls; the whole place stinks of decay and death. In the centre of the room sit a group of Kindred, playing cards. (A single light hanging from the ceiling illuminates the whole scene).
Gangrel: I see your Chicago and I raise you the Black Forest. (Long silence).
Tremere: Match you the Black Forest and I raise you the Mona Lisa.
Toreador: You can't do that. (Short silence).
Tremere: Pardon?
Toreador: You can't do that?
Tremere: Why not?
Toreador: I own the Mona Lisa.
Tremere: No you don't.
Toreador: Yes I do. It's in Paris, the greatest of Toreador cities, I own it, I control it, and it's mine.
Tremere: No it's not. I've got it here. (Sound of scuffling and a large piece of cloth being unrolled). (Long Silence).
Toreador: You bastard!!! How did you get that?
Tremere: Variation on Intent of White Missive, took a while to get the Ritual of Holding done correctly, but nobody's noticed the fake yet.
Toreador: You complete and utter bastard! How could you? You swine, you fiend, you beast. One of the greatest works of art ever created, one of the finest pieces...(ad infinitum)
Nosferatu: (Whispered) She does go on at times, doesn't she?
Assam: Well, no discipline, those Toreador.
Malkav: Actually they have several.
Assam: Oh piss off you loon!
Malkav: THAT'S not very nice! Just because you got more Physical traits than me! (SULK!)
Nosferatu: Assam, couldn't you Quietus her up a bit? Just so we could get a word in edgeways.
Assam: Can't do it pretty boy. It would cover the entire room at my level- problems with Superior Disciplines. Anyway, she's got 'majesty' on and you know how complicated it gets negating all those Social traits...
Nosferatu: Arse! Hey, Tremere, sort it! (meanwhile)
Toreador:... how long he spent labouring over that painting; the trials and tribulations we went through to protect it from the Brujah; the intricate beauty of the cross strokes; it's priceless, something to be shared, something the world needs to live by, something...
Tremere: SHUT UP YOU AIRHEAD BINT!!! (Silence).
Nosferatu (aside): I bet that cost him a willpower not to frenzy.
Assam: (aside) Damn right.
Tremere: Look, Toreador. I'm sorry. Can we stop for a second. Why don't you just stop shouting and stare at the pretty picture?
Toreador: No, I shall not... Look Tremere, if you think that you can just go through eternity and lie and cheat...and be nasty to those of...us...who...have...OH! WHAT A PRETTY PICTURE! (Long Silence).
Nosferatu: Thank God for that! I swear these Poker nights are becoming a bore.
Gangrel: Not like the old days.
Nosferatu: Damn right. Not like the old days at all. Them were the days,we would stride the Earth like giants; all was in our sway; nothing opposed us, nothing controlled us...
Malkav: Except for Caine.
Nosferatu: OK, there was Caine. Right, but aside from him, nobody controlled us, nobody stood in our way...
Malkav: Well there was Enoch. (Silence; hard stare)
Nosferatu: Yes, well there WAS Enoch, I'll give you that, but...
Gangrel: And there was the other two.
Tremere: What WERE they called?
Malkav: I don't know; it all depends on which version of the book of Nod you read, one version says they were called...
Nosferatu: OK, OK, so there was Caine and the Second Generation, but I mean, ASIDE from them, who was around to get in the way, who...
Malkav: Lilith.
Tremere: Yeah, Lilith. Haven't seen her in a while.
Gangrel: You never met Lilith.
Tremere: Yes, I have.
Gangrel: You lie. Nobodies seen Lilith in years. You're telling a BIG FIB!
Nosferatu: LOOK! AS I WAS SAYING! ASIDE FROM LILITH AND CAINE AND THE SECOND GENERATION, WHO THE F*CK WAS AROUND TO GET IN OUR WAY BACK IN THE OLD DAYS. (Prolonged silence).
Assam: I didn't know Nosferatu had presence.
Tremere: Neither did I. He was very good, don't you think?
Gangrel: I think they way he leapt up on the table was terribly impressive.
Assam: I think we should show our appreciation. (Sounds of polite, crisp, clapping).
Nosferatu: er...thank you?
Tremere: Don't mention it old chap, very good.
Malkav: Of course you missed out some people.
Nosferatu: What?
Malkav: You missed out some people. The people who kept opposing us; the people who kept stopping us.
Nosferatu: Oh did I? Well, come on then, 'moon-unit', do tell. Who did I miss, eh? Who have I missed off from your precious list?
Malkav: Us, of course. (Long profound silence as assembled company realises that Malkav has actually spoken the truth).
Assam: I hate it when he does that. (Silence).
Nosferatu: Anyway, beside the point. The old days were better. We were all together; all 13 of us. One big gang. Things were great then.
Tremere: What was it like?
Gangrel: Oh, fantastic. You had Brujah trying desperately to teach the Kine how to read (he had to try several thousand times, but he had Temporis back then so it only took him an afternoon)...
Assam: I never liked Brujah.
Malkav: Why not?
Assam: He'd always freeze time just to make sure I'd be caught offside.
Malkav: Yeah, but you'd always Quietus the ref's whistle so nobody knew when you'd fouled.
Gangrel: As I was saying!!! Then there was Ventrue...
Malkav: YEAH!!! Ventrue! What a great guy.
Tremere: You LIKED Ventrue.
Malkav: Yeah, sure, he was madder than I am.
Tremere: Ventrue! Mad!
Assam: Damn right. He use to walk around with a clip-board trying to organise everyone in meetings and stuff like that ALL the time; kept wanting to play with shiny metal; odd bloke.
Gangrel: But that 'money' thing he invented, that took off quite well.
Nosferatu: Yeah, but it will never last.
Tremere: Ventrue, MAD! Well I never...
Nosferatu: Oh yeah. Fruity as a nutcake was 'ole Ventrue.
Gangrel: But then again, Lasombra always found things for him to do.
Malkav: Lasombra, now that was an interesting bloke.
Tremere: Never really knew him too well.
Gangrel: Oh he was alright. Kept to himself usually. Spent a lot of time, alone, in his room. Pity they killed him before the advent of CD player. He would have LOVED the Smiths.
Malkav: Not as much as Cappadocian.
Assam: Now there WAS a loony. Thought he could diablerize God he did. Liked dead things....
Tremere: Don't we all?
Assam: Not the way he did. I mean, it started off harmless enough. Gangrel killed his pet cat...
Gangrel: It was an accident.
Assam: Well then, you should have used KY! I mean, you 'could' have turned into cat form instead of Bengal Tiger...
Gangrel: She liked it that way.
Malkav: Dr. Doolittle and his merry band of perverts strike again!
Assam: Anyway, he got into playing with dead things in a big way since then. He was without a doubt the oddest of the lot of us.
Malkav: Nah, Set was odder.
Tremere: Where is Set?
Set: Over here. (Embarrassed Silence)
Malkav: Don't ask. It's a long story.
Assam: Anyway, Cappadocious (we called him Eric for short), he finally goes haywire. Tries to replace God. We had to find a replacement for him fast.
Tremere: So you chose Giovanni?
Gangrel: Yeah, met him back in the 1250's. He ran this wicked pizza place in Venice- still does I think.
Nosferatu: No that's his cousin.
Gangrel: Which one?
Nosferatu: You know the tall one, with the funny social habits. (Silence)
Gangrel: Which one?
Nosferatu: You KNOW! The old one with the silly beard? The one that was married to the one that was shagging the sister of the cousin of the girl who married the brother of the dad of the one who was caught in bed with the wife of the uncle of the sister of the Elder who slept with the brother of his niece who said that he had a small donga. (Silence)
Gangrel: Which one?
Assam: Anyway, Cappadocian's dead now. Giovanni killed him. And you killed Saulot and Brujah killed Ventrue and Troile killed Brujah, and the Anarchs killed Lasombra and nearly killed Tzi...oops!
Tremere: What was that?
Assam: Oh nothing, nothing at all.
Tremere: What were you going to say?
Assam: Nothing mate honestly. (Malkav sniggers)
Tremere: What's going on. Are you trying to keep something from me?
Gangrel: No, not at all. Assam just got confused, DIDN'T YOU ASSAM? (Sound of a celeritied kick, backed up with high potence, hitting someone with gross Fortitude under the table).
Assam: Er,... Yeah. that was it. I got confused. Comes from my weird background. Honest. (Long suspicious silence)
Malkav: Yeah it got a bit crazy back then. Everyone was killing everyone. Which is why back in the middle ages we came up with the best solution to ending the problems.
Tremere: The Camarilla?
Malkav: No, Poker night. Keeps us going for years. 'Endless Jyhad' and all that.
Tremere: Oh right! Got you now. And that mean's Gehenna is...
Malkav: What we do when we get bored. Right. Now you're getting it. (Silence)
Nosferatu: Actually, while we are on the subject of poker; Tremere about your last hand. Four aces. What was all that chanting you did earlier?
Tremere: Oh, nothing.
Nosferatu: You weren't doing all that 'Intent of White Missive' stuff you mentioned earlier, were you?
Tremere: No heaven forbid.
Nosferatu: You were, weren't you?
Tremere: No, not at all.
Malkav: He's lying. He's got it written all over his aura.
Tremere: Look, OK, so I did. But Nosferatu cheats as well.
Nosferatu:No I don't. (He does. He obfuscates, sneaks round and peers over Malkav's shoulder.)
Malkav: Oh, you big cheat!
Assam: How long have you been doing that you git?
Nosferatu: I don't cheat! C'mon guys. You know me.
Assam: Exactly. Wait a minute. Back in 1475- that flush I had. You did it then, didn't you? I lost Arabia that night, you cheating git... (sounds of petty bickering and the occasional sigh from Toreador).
(Scene: just outside. Two figures illuminated by the pale moonlight).
Caine: You see, THAT's why I don't go back!
Lilith: OK, OK, you made your point.
On to the next joke Antidiluvian's at school