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THE 25 TYPES OF PLAYERS by William Chase Bynum
By now, most gamers are familiar with the traditional four types of players: The Real Man, The Real Roleplayer, The Loonie, and The Munchkin. Obviously, the creation of the Four Types is meant to be a joke, as well as a gross oversimplification, but even so, it's time we had a much more detailed oversimplification. So here, without further ado, is the Groening-style "FRP Is One of the Nine Hells" summary of: THE TWENTY-FIVE TYPES OF FRP PLAYERS 1. The Real Man - "Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o'clock!! CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!" 2. The Real Roleplayer - "Don't start yet!! I need my two minutes to get properly into character." 3. The Loonie - "I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips." 4. The Munchkin - "Five arch-devils and two demigods? That's ALL?! I guess I'll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter." 5. The Coward - "Yikes! Three kobolds!! Retreat! Retreat!" 6. The Troublemaker - "Just before the Mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast `command - vomit' on him." 7. The Novice - "I just rolled a 2 on my `to hit' roll. Did I want high or low?" 8. The Tactician - "The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage will remain behind the door in preparation of a `sleep' spell which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I . . ." 9. The Quiet Type - "I dunno . . . I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess." 10. The Punster - "You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One to cast `cure light'." 11. The PC Infighter - "Since Ruth's been such a twit, I hit her in the face with my flail while she's casting her `find familiar' spell." 12. Joe I-Got-the-Rules-Down-Pat - "No, if you look in the DMG, page 87, paragraph 5, you'll find this spell won't affect griffons." 13. The Whiner - "Three points?! I take THREE POINTS OF DAMAGE!?! Frank, what the hell kind of grudge do you have against me?" 14. The Bully - "Are you sure I don't make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?" 15. Mr. Greedy - "So it's not evil? And it's not attacking? So what! I WANT THAT XP!!!!" 16. The Cheater - "I roll an... 18! It hits!" [Quickly grabs dice.] 17. The Chastiser - "And you DIDN'T SEE THAT TRAP COMING? Hahahaha!! Just how long did you say you've been playing this game?" 18. The Kamikaze Guy - "I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, though, I set off the `fire trap' on all my nine flasks of oil." 19. The Good Roller - "Oh, looky here. An 03 on percentile dice. If that door was trapped, I just found something." 20. The Bad Roller - "Oh, damn it all!! *Another* critical fumble!!" 21. The Braggart - "The thought of you attacking me isn't even interesting. I could get off a `sleep' spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath." 22. The Reminiscer - "Say, y'know, this is like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lock-pick an unlocked door." 23. Goody Two-Shoes - "Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can't kill them when they're asleep And can't defend themselves." 24. The Overoptimistic Daydreamer - "After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine, ten levels, I'm going to buy me the finest battle axe +3 money can buy." 25. Short-Attention-Span Man - "Hmmm? What? Are we attacking now?"
On to the next joke 28 classes of GM's