THE 28 TYPES OF GAME MASTER

   by Scott Butler and J.D. Frazer

    1) Munchkin - "Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, 
without even unsheathing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half 
grey elven/half gold dragon 50th-level paladin/MU/Cleric/Monk/Bard gazes 
down upon the pitiful Cthulhu who grovels at his feet..."

   2) Monty Haul (variation on the Munchkin, but characters tend to be 
lower level) - "You are each granted one wish."
   "I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna."
   "I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless."
   "I wish to have . . ."
   "Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?"
   (This actually happened, years ago, when we first started playing.)

   3) Whining Munchkin - "But, but, you guys CAN'T do that! It's my only 
dungeon! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!"

   4) Killer Munchkin - "You guys are dead."

   5) Killer - "As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon 
you from behind it, killing you . . . nope, no `to hit' or saving throw 
allowed, it says so right here."

   6) Executioner - "A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the 
two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his 
back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a 
hole through his head."

   7) Troublemaker - singles out one player and continually hands 
him/her notes which read "Don't let anyone know there is nothing on this note."

   8) Cheater - "I don't care if you hit on an 18 LAST time, THIS time 
you missed, and I don't want to hear another thing about it."

   9) Die Modifier - "Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers, you know."

   10) Enforcer - "A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, 
reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with this campaign?"

   11) Novice - "You rolled a 2 on your `to hit' roll. Did you want high or low?"

   12) Verbose - "The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of 
roughly equal width, spaced equidistant along its width, and the wood is 
polished smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the 
bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but 
you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a 
starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass, it's 
kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely 
cast iron and you see . . ."
   (sounds of snoring from party members)

   13) Poker Face - "The slave you rescued courteously accepts your 
offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her . . ."

   14) No Poker Face - "The slave you rescued, hee hee, courteously 
accepts your offer, snort, to accompany you and thanks you for your 
trust in her, hah hah . . . boy are you gonna get it now . . . giggle"

   15) Timid - "The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that's OK 
with you, Steve. Really, you've got 17 hit points left and he has only 
2, so you'll be okay, OK?"

   16) DePalma school of blood and gore - "Your magic drill cleaves the 
demon's skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone 
with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as 
you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a 
blender 
and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement . . ."

   17) Gibson school of writing graduate - "The view in the crystal ball 
was the colour of television, tuned to a dead channel."

   18) Vengeful - "You won't go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the 
were-rats attack Christine."

   19) AD&D'er - "The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually 
with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic 
effort on your part."

   20) Anti-AD&D'er - "The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their 
great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm 
helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a 
lobster. You die an ignoble death."

   21) Stickler For Detail - "Taking into account atmospheric 
conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your 
greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your 
associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast . . . and the 
average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm 
day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive the fall . . ."

   22) No Originality - "It's a quest, see, you're trying to take this 
ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest, 
I thought of this campaign myself . . ."

   23) Leading and Overbearing - "You pump the bartender for information 
and he tells you about a red dragon's lair to the west."
   "Too risky. We go to hear rumours somewhere else."
   "A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon's lair for him."
   "We say `no, thank you' and leave for the next village."
   "On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon's lair . . ."

   24) Schmuck - "Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I'll let you 
have a 50% chance. Oh. Okay, 75% then."

   25) Ghoul - "That's the 17th character you rolled tonight? 
Mouahahahahahahahahahah!"

   26) Absolute Monarch - "The huge Red Dragon CAN fit through the 
little hole, 'cause I SAID SO!"

   27) Unimaginative - "You walk into the bar and see thirty mercenaries 
all wearing scalemail and carrying longswords. They all sit at seperate 
tables."

   28) Design Zealot - "I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 
more levels to populate."

On to the next joke 10 classes of GM's

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