Back to the Jokes
(Muffled talking and harsh whispers.)
VENTRUE
Thank you all for coming. As usual, we have a situation on hand that we need to talk about.
TOREADOR
The defacing of the Art Institute by anonymous Rabble?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)
TZIMISCE
Caitiff running wild?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)
TREMERE
The defacing of the Public Libraries?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)
(BRUJAH flashes a charming grin to all of them and puts his feet on the table.)
VENTRUE
No. Tonight we are here to discuss... and I do this with heavy reluctance... sex.
(Stunned silence.)
MALKAV
(Stands starting the "Tush Push" and winks at GANGREL.)
Let's talk about SEX bay-bee, let's talk about YOU an' ME...
GANGREL
(Growls.)
Let's not.
RAVNOS
I swear on the blood of my familia, she told me she was 18.
VENTRUE
Malkav. Please be seated. I...
(Blinks and looks at RAVNOS.)
Um... well...
(Shakes his head.)
This is a SERIOUS discussion.
LASOMBRA
So what ABOUT sex?
VENTRUE
The problem is too many of you take your unlife as permission for a post-mortem orgy. We have rules. Politics. Standards to follow. We are the next level of evolution people. SEX is no longer PLEASURABLE to us... Therefore...
TOREADOR
(Looks to GIOVANNI. Very quietly.)
You can say THAT again...
GIOVANNI
Well if some people didn't just LAY there like the corpse they are...
BRUJAH
No longer PLEASURABLE?
(Shakes his head.)
Trust me...Yer doing it wrong dude...
MALKAV
Well... I guess I can eat all my edible undies. I like the cotton flavored ones the best.
VENTRUE
Look. Our lust is for the BLOOD. Not physical pleasures and desires.
BRUJAH
COME ON... I mean the blood is good... but when is the last time a set of double "D" medical packs turned your head?
MALKAV
Bobbit it. Cut if off. Recycle it. Make cocktail wieners.
RAVNOS
Speak for yourself gajo some of us fall into larger groupings.
MALKAV
Ohh Hung like a HORSE--
(RAVNOS smiles.)
MALKAV
-- Fly.
VENTRUE
It's not just the male persuasion of our little group Brujah. Many of the FEMALES engage in sexual activities at constant rates.
MALKAV
(Suddenly serious.)
THAT is disgusting! That is... vile. WRONG. I demand justice. Kindly give me the names and current addresses of these women and I will see that they get what I... what THEY deserve...
GANGREL
(Thumps MALKAV.)
Siddown nutjob. You've got as much chance of getting laid as pickle puss over there.
(Jerks her thumb to NOSFERATU.)
NOSFERATU
(Indignant.)
This coming from the bearded lady.
GANGREL
(Growls.)
Watch it scabbie.
NOSFERATU
I am no stranger to sex my dear wood dweller.
TZIMISCE
(Wrinkles her nose.)
Sex... no. Soap. Now that is a different story all together.
ASSAMITE
Not that I particularly care, seeing I have BETTER things to do with my time than engage in pointless activities... but does this mean that we shall no longer be capable of having sex?
MALKAV
It's fallen. And I can't get it UP!
TOREADOR
(Looks at GIOVANNI.)
Been there. Done that.
GIOVANNI
IT WAS COLD AND I WAS TIRED!!
(Room looks to GIOVANNI, who shrinks into his seat. Quietly.)
Sorry.
VENTRUE
(Sighs ignoring the outbursts.)
No, Assamite. It simply means that you derive no pleasure from it. You can will the blood... if you MUST... to keep up appearances and what not... But you have no DESIRE for sex.
BRUJAH
Yeah... especially after finding out that Nosferatu has it....
(Makes a face.)
There's a mental image I didn't want.
MALKAV
Bumping UGLY... Monkey sex. The Leprous Lombada of Love. A Spew Screw. Oral--
GANGREL
(Smacks him.)
Shut up! You are making us all sick you weird little freak.
TREMERE
So what is the point of seduction...if you are not going to have sex?
VENTRUE
The seduction is so you may obtain their blood, without them drawing suspicious. THAT is why our bite is so pleasurable to them. It surpasses sex.
(Muffled grumbling.)
VENTRUE
Well? Final thoughts? Comments?
BRUJAH
You sure you are not doing this because you can't get laid and are pissed at those of us who can?
GANGREL
Well I can throw out my date book.
NOSFERATU
Please do, I'm sure Wild Kingdom would love to find it.
TOREADOR
(Smirks.)
There are exceptions to every rule.
TZIMISCE
(Shares the smile.)
Exactly.
MALKAV
What about the ol' yank and spank? Is that out? Ya know... the ol' bap and slap? I mean I was REALLY good at that.
RAVNOS
Rules were meant to be broken.
VENTRUE
Meeting Adjourned. And remember. We are not interested in sex. The blood is our sex.
MALKAV
(Very quietly.)
Believe that and you are crazier than I am.
VENTRUE
What did you say?
MALKAV
Nothing. Just commenting on the weather.
(Smiles bright.)
On to the next joke Antidiluvian's talk about Sects