80's Ska Band: [Ska Tune]

Receptionist: A Monte Cook to see you, your Holiness.

R. Dancey: Who?

Receptionist: Monte Cook, the famous rpg author whose best known works include the Labyrinth of Madness, and the celebrated Rolemaster System.

R. Dancey: Ah. Very well...

Receptionist: In 1996 he wrote the Planewalker's Handbook and the...

R. Dancey: All right, that's enough, that's enough, they've got it now!

Receptionist: Oh.

Monte Cook: Good evening, your Holiness.

R. Dancey: Evening, Monte. I want to have a word with you about this game book of yours, "D&D 3rd Edition Player's Handbook"

Monte Cook: Oh, yeah?

R. Dancey: I'm not happy about it.

Monte Cook: Oh, dear. It took me hours.

R. Dancey: Not happy at all.

Monte Cook: Is it the reliance on a d20 you don't like?

R. Dancey: No.

Monte Cook: Ah, no, I know, it does have a bit of crunch, doesn't it? Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo hunter?

R. Dancey: What kangaroo hunter?

Monte Cook: No problem, I'll write him out.

R. Dancey: I never saw a kangaroo hunter!

Monte Cook: Uuh...he's a template right in the back. I'll write him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a base class.

R. Dancey: Aah.

Monte Cook: All right?

R. Dancey: That's the problem.

Monte Cook: What is?

R. Dancey: The classes.

Monte Cook: Are they too Muchkin? I made the Jester the most munchkin.

R. Dancey: No, it's just that there are forty-eight of them.

Monte Cook: Oh, well, another one will never matter, I'll make the kangaroo hunter into another one.

R. Dancey: No, that's not the point.

Monte Cook: All right. Well, I'll lose the kangaroo hunter. Be honest, I wasn't perfectly happy with it.

R. Dancey: That's not the point. There are forty-eight classes!

Monte Cook: Too many?

R. Dancey: Well, of course it's too many!

Monte Cook: Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real new edition. You know, not just any old new edition. Not like a class splatbook or a 3rd party options book. But you know, I wanted to give the impression of a real mess of career choices, you know?

R. Dancey: There were only eight classes in 2nd Edition. Plus two from 1st edition that got dropped.

Monte Cook: Well, maybe some of the others came along afterw...

R. Dancey: There were only eight altogether.

Monte Cook: Well, maybe some of their kits came by, you know?

R. Dancey: Look! There were just eight classes in 2nd edition. The Player's Handbook clearly says so.

Monte Cook: No kits?

R. Dancey: No kits.

Monte Cook: Sub-classes?

R. Dancey: No.

Monte Cook: Templates?

R. Dancey: No!

Monte Cook: You see, I like them, they help to flesh out the genre, I could lose a few, you know I could...

R. Dancey: Look! There were only eight classes in...

Monte Cook: I've got it! I've got it! We'll call it "D&D Edtion 2.99"!

R. Dancey: What?

Monte Cook: Well if there's a 3rd Edition, there could have been one just before that, so this, is the "Penultimate Edtition"! The Player's Handbook doesn't say how many classes must be in there, does it?

R. Dancey: No, but...

Monte Cook: Well there you are, then!

R. Dancey: Look! The 3rd Edition is a significant event in the life of our game, the 2.99th edition is not! Even if it has a conjurer and a mariachi band. Now, a Player's Handbook I commissioned from you, and a Player's Handbook I want! With ten classes and one Dungeon Master!

Monte Cook: One?!

R. Dancey: Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to write this with three DM's in it?

Monte Cook: It works, mate!

R. Dancey: Works?

Monte Cook: Yeah! It plays great! The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

R. Dancey: There is only one Referree!

Monte Cook: Ah, I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license?

R. Dancey: One DM is what I want!

Monte Cook: I'll tell you what you want, mate! You want a bloody technical manual! That's you want. Not a bloody creative writer to crease you up...

R. Dancey: I'll tell you what I want! I want a Player's Handbook with one DM, ten classes, no kangaroo hunters, no trampoline acrobats, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!

Monte Cook: Bloody fascist!

R. Dancey: Look! I'm Ryan Dancey, I am! May not know much about games, but I know what I like!