C: I saw it over there: "Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual".
P: (pause; trying to stay calm) "Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual"?
C: Yes...
P: M-O-N-S-T-E-R?
C: Yes....
P: M-A-N-U-A-L??
C: Yes.....
P: (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact....
C: The expurgated version....
P: (pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?
C: The expurgated version.
P: (exploding) The EXPURGATED version of "Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual"?!?!?!?!?
C: (desperately) The one without the dragon!
P: The one without the dragon-!!! They've ALL got the dragon!! It's a Standard D&D Monster, the dragon, it's in all the books!!!
C: (insistent) Well, I don't like them...they wet their treasure.
P: (furious) All right! I'll remove it!! (rrrip!) Any other monsters
you don't like?!
C: I don't like the umber hulk...
P: (screaming) The umber hulk! Right! The umber hulk! (rrrip!) There you are, any others you don't like, any others?
C: The ogre?
P: Right! (flipping through the book) The ogre, the ogre, the ogre, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you are! NO dragons, NO umber hulks, NO ogres, THERE's your book!
C: (indignant) I can't buy that! It's torn!
P: (incoherent noise)
C: Ah, I wonder if you have--
P: God, ask me anything!! We got lots of games here, you know, it's a gameshop!!
C: Er, how 'bout "Cthulhu Combs his Hair"?
P: No, no, we don't have that one, funny!
C: "The Upper Kumbuckta West Gazeteer"?
P: No, no, no, try me again!
C: Ah...oh, I know! "Return to the Temple of Mildly Annoying Evil".
P: No, no, no, no, no,...What? WHAT??????
C: "Return to the Temple of Mildly Annoying Evil".
P: "Return to the Temp--" YES!!!YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!! (throwing books wildly about) I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I know it!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it??? (triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are, "Return to the Temple of Mildly Annoying Evil"!!!!! There's your adventure!! (throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!!
C: (quickly) I don't have enough money.
P: (desperate) I'll take a deposit!
C: I don't have ANY money!
P: I'll take a check!!
C: I don't have a checkbook!
P: I've got a blank one!!
C: I don't have a bank account!!
P: RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's your change, there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book, now, now..
C: Wait, wait, wait!
P: What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!
C: I can't GM!!!
P: (staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You can't...GM. (pause) RIGHT!!! Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!! Are you sitting comfortably??? Right!!! (opens book) "You're sitting ina tavern when a man in a long cloak comes in..." (fade out)
