Back to the Jokes
VENTRUE
"Thank you all for attending. I again call the council to discuss yet ANOTHER problem we are having with our... youth."
TOREADOR
You have our undivided attentions, as usual. Please, go on.
(RAVNOS makes wet ass-kissing sounds and a roll of gypsy eyes.
MALKAV grabs him by the cheeks and kisses him fully on the mouth.)
RAVNOS
GAH!!! (Spits and runs after MALKAV who takes off sprinting.) I will kill you, dilo bastard!
VENTRUE
ENOUGH!! (Stands.) Ravnos, PLEASE be seated. Malkav. (Points.) Over there... Next to Brujah.
(BRUJAH smiles and pats the seat next to him causing MALKAV to eep.)
VENTRUE
As I was stating before the OUTBURST... (Dirty look to MALKAV.) We have yet another problem. The children know we have our flaws to separate us, but they want to know our strengths as well. So... I have taken the liberty to...
GANGREL
(Growls.) You hook me up like you did with the flaws and you are gonna take your liberties to the hospital little man.
VENTRUE
(Coughs and nods.) Of... course... Gangrel... Shall we start with you?
(GANGREL folds her arms and gives the stare that all men, dead or alive, fear from women.)
VENTRUE
Ahem... ahh yes... (Rustles papers.) Gangrel... I to you... Grant the abilities of your animal nature. Growing claws at will, changing into animal form at will... Even becoming the mists of night themselves. (Swallows.) Acceptable?
GANGREL
It's a start. I still owe you for the pig's tail...
VENTRUE
Moving right along... Malkav... I grant you... the power of Dominate, you may control the minds of your--
BRUJAH
ARE YOU OFF YOUR GOD DAMNED ROCKER? Giving HIM the ability to control OTHERS?? We'll all end up as demented as he is!
VENTRUE
Dementia? Instilling insanity in others?
MALKAV
Deal. Done. Thank you, drive thru.
(BRUJAH cringes and shakes his head.)
VENTRUE
I'm... not... sure what just... happened... Malk? I was?
MALKAV
Moving on to Toreador.
VENTRUE
(Shakes his head and nods.) Yes... um... Toreador. Because of your beauty, and apprication of... your perfect social skills, and untouchable elegance, I give you the ability to influence the feelings of others. Inspiring Awe, Fear, Love or Respect in all you wish.
TOREADOR
Wise, just, and kind. Thank you.
BRUJAH
(Makes kissy noises and quickly looks to MALKAV.) You even THINK it and yer pulp Kook.
VENTRUE
Assamite. Due to your... ahem... activities... I chose silence for you. You manipulate sounds, causing the death cries of your victims to be lost with their lives.
ASSAMITE
(Smiles and nods.) Such things are in the blood...
VENTRUE
Brujah... my violent friend. To further... your personality... I give to you unparalleled strength... and speed. May your wrath be as swift and stinging as your temper.
BRUJAH
(Grins at ASSAMITE.) Awww. I wanted to be really quiet!! (Mock sighs.) Guess I have to suffer with strength and speed. (Laughs.)
ASSAMITE
Then suffer in silence.
(BRUJAH's laughter stops as his sounds are abruptly cut off.)
VENTRUE
Um... (Whispers to ASSAMITE.) Should have gave you that a long time ago Assamite. (To all.) Moving on. Tzim... I give to you...
MALKAV
A NEW CLAN NAME!!! Something we can say without sounding like we are sneezing through a mouth full of -- (Goes silent.)
VENTRUE
Thank you Assamite. Ahem. Tzim, you shall have the ability to sculpt and mold flesh and bone, as artists mold clay or shape stone.
TZIMISCE
(Dirty look to MALKAV.) Come here my silent little friend...
(MALKAV lets out a silent shriek as he holds up two fingers in the sign of the cross.)
VENTRUE
Ahem... Nosferatu. I grant you the ability to...
MALKAV
Leap tall buildings in a SINGLE BOUND!
VENTRUE
(Surprised.) I thought you were silenced?
BRUJAH
(Shaking out a sore hand.) Well he has to be CONSCIOUS to do that now doesn't he? (Kicks ASSAMITE before sitting.) Strength and speed. I love it.
VENTRUE
Nos, I grant you the power to be unseen. You may come and go and no one will acknowledge your presence.
BRUJAH
(Laughs.) Oh yeah... Like he gets ALL the acknowledgement in the world right now... A real chick magnet.
NOSFERATU
Accepted, thank you, Ventrue. (To BRUJAH.) Why on earth would I want to attract other women?.
BRUJAH
(Pales.) You... are... a... Oh god... I'm gonna be sick...
GIOVANNI
(Scootches closer to NOSFERATU.) Sooo... what are you doing aft--
VENTRUE
Giovanni. You are given, power over the dead. The truly dead. All that fester and rot are in your domain.
BRUJAH
Ugh... so you DO have a chance with Nos. (Looks at VENTRUE.) Man... can you imagine if... (Leans in, whispering to VENTRUE, who pales, then looks ill.)
VENTRUE
Thank you for that lovely image Brujah. I will be sure to send you my therapy bill. Ravnos...
Ravnos
(Looks startled then sheepish.) Sorry... (Hands VENTRUE his wallet.)
VENTRUE
No... I... (Shakes his head and snatches the wallet back.) I know I am going to regret this... but I give you the power of trickery. Your illusions, jokes, and general mischief shall fool not only the eyes, but all senses.
MALKAV
Yeah. I'M the crazy one... (Looks at the stirring ASSAMITE and punches him in the jaw.) I'm gunna knock you out! Mama said knock you out. I'm gunna take this iddy biddy world by storm and I'm just... urnk..
BRUJAH
(Shakes off his fist.) Strength. And Speed. GOTTA love it.
VENTRUE
Lasombra. Yes... you over in the poorly lit corner. Your ability shall be mastery of the shadows and the dark. With it... (Blinks.) Where did he go?
VOICE OF LASOMBRA
Accepted. Gladly.
MALKAV
(Groggily and weakly.) Carolanne... stay away from the light... (Thunks back to the table.)
VENTRUE
Um... yes. Tremere. Given your studies... you are given the ability to create magic. Casting cantrips and using your powers as you see fit.)
TREMERE
But I already have---
VENTRUE
And last but not least, myself.
BRUJAH
(Warily.) Best for last? What do you get?
VENTRUE
I get the mastery of mind control. With it I shall lead us, holding both meetings, and the majority of offices. Any one who objects, please try to raise your hands
(Everyone struggles to lift stubborn limbs that refuse to obey.)
VENTRUE
Very nice. Meeting... adjourned.
On to the Next jokeAntidiluvian's and their clan flaws